Archive for March, 2010

29
Mar
10

Life’s a bitch; slap her in the mouth.

I can all but promise this post will in no way be related to the title of this post. I just wanted to put something up there.

I downloaded (legally? Sure.) an album called “The Most Relaxing Classical Music in the Universe.” What an outrageous claim. I’m sure aliens billions of light years away have invented music that can put me to sleep faster than a Triple-Roofie-Colada (or a “TRC-ya later” for short). But even in our own universe I don’t think it’s right for the publishers of this CD to claim they have compiled the most rel;ksjd a;f ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff Whoa, sorry, fell asleep at my keyboard. Touche, CD… Touche.

Dramatic reenactment.

Where was I? Right, my trip to New Zealand. So far I’ve noticed a few things about this wacky country and it’s even wackier inhabitants. First, there’s a noticeable lack of hobbits. If the documentary “Lord of the Rings” taught me anything, it’s that this place is crawling with hobbits and elves and the such. I also haven’t seen a single field where any of those huge battles could have taken place.

I'm starting to think this whole documentary is a sham.

The second thing I’ve noticed is that the Maori people are way more laid back than the white devils who took over this place. You would think they would be all bitter and stuff, like certain indigenous people in certain parts of the USA (thanks for the lessons on how to harvest corn, enjoy your small pox, suckers!). But instead they’re incredibly relaxed, mostly concerned about having a good time and making sure the crates of awful New Zealand beer keep coming.

The third thing I’ve noticed is that, with a few exceptions, the North Island is a toxic dump heap compared to the South Island. I even went to one of the more “dangerous” places in the South Island, fittingly called Christchurch. I did manage to snap a few pictures of the city before I was mugged, beaten and raped.

Thug Life

How I managed to make it out of that hell-hole I’ll never know. No but seriously, there’s a reason the North Island is called “The Floating Turd of the Pacific” (citation needed).

Of course I kid. This whole country is beautiful and I really will be sad when I have to leave.

The final thing I’ve noticed is that the national rugby team, the All Blacks, are a bunch of absolute monsters.

They’re like some horrendous genetic experiment to cross breed rabid horses and nightmares. Things that big aren’t supposed to move that fast, I think there are physics laws in place that dictate this. Personally, I’m just glad they chose rugby over a life of crime. Could you imagine one of these abominations deciding that they wanted to hang up the rugby cleats and pursue a career in forcibly taking other people’s money / anal virginity? Try to think of a way to stop these monsters, and if you said “bullets” then you don’t stand a chance. By the time you load your gun and wipe the poop out of your pants you’re already dead.

All this being said, I certainly do recommend you make it down to this part of the world at some point in your life. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity to live and work down here and I hope you get a chance to experience the same.

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25
Mar
10

Photoshopping for phunsies!

Listen, I’m usually a pretty nice guy. That is to say, my intentions are normally good and genuine.  For example, I started to write this blog entry in the hopes of making you laugh. But inevitably one or more of you will be offended by the time you scroll down and see the picture I’m about to talk about. Hey, I tried my best.

I’ve recently been trying to learn Photoshop beyond a basic level. For a while my skills didn’t extend beyond cropping me into pictures of hobbits or adding lens flares to EVERYTHING.

Or both!

However if I’m ever going to be taken seriously as a Photoshop wiz I knew I needed to hone my skills. So I started by going to a website I found called Smashing Magazine to see if I could try out a few tutorials. I ended up trying a few different things and while I wasn’t getting the same exact results as the examples, I was definitely improving. So after playing with Photoshop for a while I inevitably found myself distracted by Facebook. I came across a picture of my friend Christie Kim (she’s asian, but don’t hold it against her) at Nationals and thought “I could touch this up and make it look way more badass.” So at first I played with some sharpening, some text overlays, cutting out the background and putting in a nice gradient. Each version was a little better than the last, but after a while I started straying bit by bit from the original idea. When the dust settled, this is what I ended up with:

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

24
Mar
10

Another day, another blog.

Fuck off Nick Cage, I don't need your pity.

Will this one stand the test of time? Let’s hope so!

Why the Nicholas Cage picture, you might ask? Well I did a Google image search for “pity laugh” hoping to find a picture that encapsulates it perfectly, but nothing was working. This process slowly devolved from there to “pity smile,” “nervous laugh,” “shame,” “wild laughter,” and finally “crazy laughter.” The picture of Nick Cage was the first one that popped up. Not exactly what I set out to find, but if there is anyone who’s career deserves our pity laughter, it’s Nicholas Cage’s. This is the guy who went from “Raising Arizona” to that movie where he’s a normal guy who bursts into flames and rides a Harley Davidson made of bones and bad CG effects. I think it’s called “National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets.” Oh, and he also did this:

Not that I’m planning on sticking with the theme of finding people to pity; (hard to top Nicholas Cage!) but I was hoping the concept would help push me in the right direction towards entertaining all of my readers (me and Ari).  We’ll see how it goes!

Good night!