29
Mar
10

Life’s a bitch; slap her in the mouth.

I can all but promise this post will in no way be related to the title of this post. I just wanted to put something up there.

I downloaded (legally? Sure.) an album called “The Most Relaxing Classical Music in the Universe.” What an outrageous claim. I’m sure aliens billions of light years away have invented music that can put me to sleep faster than a Triple-Roofie-Colada (or a “TRC-ya later” for short). But even in our own universe I don’t think it’s right for the publishers of this CD to claim they have compiled the most rel;ksjd a;f ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff Whoa, sorry, fell asleep at my keyboard. Touche, CD… Touche.

Dramatic reenactment.

Where was I? Right, my trip to New Zealand. So far I’ve noticed a few things about this wacky country and it’s even wackier inhabitants. First, there’s a noticeable lack of hobbits. If the documentary “Lord of the Rings” taught me anything, it’s that this place is crawling with hobbits and elves and the such. I also haven’t seen a single field where any of those huge battles could have taken place.

I'm starting to think this whole documentary is a sham.

The second thing I’ve noticed is that the Maori people are way more laid back than the white devils who took over this place. You would think they would be all bitter and stuff, like certain indigenous people in certain parts of the USA (thanks for the lessons on how to harvest corn, enjoy your small pox, suckers!). But instead they’re incredibly relaxed, mostly concerned about having a good time and making sure the crates of awful New Zealand beer keep coming.

The third thing I’ve noticed is that, with a few exceptions, the North Island is a toxic dump heap compared to the South Island. I even went to one of the more “dangerous” places in the South Island, fittingly called Christchurch. I did manage to snap a few pictures of the city before I was mugged, beaten and raped.

Thug Life

How I managed to make it out of that hell-hole I’ll never know. No but seriously, there’s a reason the North Island is called “The Floating Turd of the Pacific” (citation needed).

Of course I kid. This whole country is beautiful and I really will be sad when I have to leave.

The final thing I’ve noticed is that the national rugby team, the All Blacks, are a bunch of absolute monsters.

They’re like some horrendous genetic experiment to cross breed rabid horses and nightmares. Things that big aren’t supposed to move that fast, I think there are physics laws in place that dictate this. Personally, I’m just glad they chose rugby over a life of crime. Could you imagine one of these abominations deciding that they wanted to hang up the rugby cleats and pursue a career in forcibly taking other people’s money / anal virginity? Try to think of a way to stop these monsters, and if you said “bullets” then you don’t stand a chance. By the time you load your gun and wipe the poop out of your pants you’re already dead.

All this being said, I certainly do recommend you make it down to this part of the world at some point in your life. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity to live and work down here and I hope you get a chance to experience the same.

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